Handsome Josey!

We got the E Rain photos! I'm going to post the website and password soon, but she posted Joseph's images with my maternity shots, and since some of those, oh let's face it, MOST of them, are not for all audiences, I'm asking her to separate the photos.
But WOW! We couldn't be happier with them...SO many wonderful gorgeous brilliant shots!

Letters to Joseph-September...Comforting You and Getting you to Sleep

You are a very happy baby, but like most, you need a lot of interaction when you are awake to keep you satisfied. You particularly like to be bounced on one knee, a bit of a cliché, but you settle down every time. Even as I write this, I’m bouncing you and you are smiling. We bounce you while we knock our heel on the ground and sing 1-2-3-4-DOWN went McGinney! Your Great Great Grandfather Hot used to say ‘Down went McGinney!’ when one of the kids would take a spill, so that is where it came from. Your Grandpa Steve mentioned the other day that it’s actually ‘McGinty’, but ‘McGinney’ has stuck like glue, so that tradition will have to adapt.

At night when it’s time to go to sleep, we swaddle you up tight, because you tend to like to flail your arms around, and we turn on your favorite song, Midnight Moonlight, and sing and dance all around the dark bedroom with you. The song is about five minutes long and you are almost always asleep by the end of it. I think you like the banjo. In fact, you’ve always liked music. When you were in my belly, you started jumping all around when you heard music, particularly live music.

“If you ever feel lonesome, and you’re down in San Antone…Just beg, steal, or borrow two nickels or a dime…Call me on the phone.

I’ll meet you at Alamo Mission, and we will say our prayers.

The Holy Ghost and the Virgin Mother will heal us, as we kneel there.

In the Midnight, in the Moonlight, in the Midnight Midnight Moonlight.

If you ever feel sorrow, for the deeds you have done, no hope for tomorrow, in the setting of the sun.

The ocean is howling for things that might have been, and that last good morning sunrise will be the brightest you’ve ever seen.

In the Midnight, in the Moonlight, in the Midnight Midnight Moonlight.”

Letters to Joseph-September...The First Days

When things settled down a little, we got into a groove of taking care of you. You slept a lot in the beginning, and we watched you sleep a lot. You also nursed constantly…I felt so happy that I was nourishing you so well. It’s typical for newborn babies to lose a little weight in the beginning week of their life…you gained almost a pound. We knew you were strong and healthy.

Your very first outing was the Tuesday after you were born. It was voting day and we took you to the polls with us. Your Dad carried you in the front pack as we walked through the neighborhood. The weather was still warm and summery. You slept for most of the time, but we were proud that you were exercising your democratic rights with us.

We spent the days of your first weeks relaxing with you at home. We napped when you napped. We watched movies, talked to friends and family on the phone, looked at all of the photos that were being taken of you, and just enjoyed you. We went out a few times for errands and to visit Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Norm.

Suzy, your midwife, and the same midwife who helped deliver Uncle Asa and Cousin Henry, came back to give us a checkup at one week. This time they had to prick your heel again for more routine tests. This time you really didn’t like it and you cried so hard that I began to cry too. I can’t stand it when you are in pain.

When you were two weeks old, your Uncle Chris and his girlfriend Camille came to visit you from Austin, Texas. We all went out to pick them up from the airport so they could meet you as soon as they could. We came down the escalator and they beamed at how wonderful you are. I think your Uncle Chris has a very special place in his heart for you since your Dad is his twin brother.

We came back to our house and they showered you with cool gifts…a Mean Eyed Cat onesie (that’s your Uncle’s bar in Austin) that Camille sewed for you, a cool orange stuffed cat and matching bib, a Johnny Cash onesie that you are wearing as I write this (you’re asleep on my lap), and a sling for me to carry you around in.

Then we went down to the beach and walked around and hung out with you. We had lots of fun all weekend and we took you to restaurants and lots of places and you were so happy. You did have your first meltdown while we were at the grocery store…we tried everything to console you, but you weren’t having it. Your tear ducts started working and you actually had tears running down your cheeks. This was no fun for me, because when you are crying like this, everyone molecule in my body feels like it’s crying too. We finally got you happy and you fell asleep while we all sat around the fire bowl outside on the deck (you probably know by now how much your Dad loves to sit around the fire). Dana and Kai came over too and we had cake since it was Dana’s birthday.

Letters to Joseph-September...Naming You

We wanted to wait until we had some time alone with you before we decided on your name. We had several choices picked out...all really lovely names. You’ll ask me in the years to come why we named you Joseph Ladd so I want you to know the story. If you have times in your life when you don’t like it, I’ll understand because I felt the same way about my name. I even went by my middle name ‘Jane’ for several years to try to be a little more mainstream. It didn’t stick because it wasn’t me. Everyone expected us to choose a really unusual name for you since your Dad and I have fairly unusual names. Besides the fact that I truly believe that you just are Joseph, I was drawn to the idea that though this name is not necessarily unusual, you are, so your life will be and an unusual name does not ensure an unusual life.

The morning after our first night with you...we all woke up together. We stayed in bed snuggling and your Dad looked over at me and said...I think he's Joseph Ladd. I smiled and agreed, feeling a warmth over the realization. I called my darling friend Allison in New York and told her first. She couldn’t be at your birth like my other close people, so I wanted to share your name with her before anyone else.

Thirty years ago, when my brother, your Uncle Asa was born, I wanted Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Steve to name him Joseph. I was in pre-school at the time at Sun Bow School. There was a boy there who I thought was very nice. I remember that he was very polite, kind, and genuine, qualities not often found, or at least easily noticed, in a 4 year old boy. I hoped my new brother would be like him. As it turned out, I was allowed to choose my new brother's middle name, hence, Asa Joseph. Later, my most beloved dog became Seamus Joseph. Something about the strong simplicity of it sounds like music to me. I have no idea where the original Joseph in my life ended up, but this name has threaded its way through my life so strongly, that I shouldn't be surprised that you are Joseph.

In the weeks following your birth, sometimes people called you Joe or Joey. I must say that I didn’t name you those names …you just don’t seem like a Joe or Joey to us. If you decide someday that one of them suits you, it’s up to you, but the nickname that seems to be sticking these days is Josey. There’s a Western movie with Clint Eastwood called “The Outlaw Josey Wales”. We like Josey because it’s fun and unusual and it suits you. “Josey Ladd and Dakota Jane”…we’re a formidable pair!

Letters to Joseph-September...The First Night

During the first night of your life, we made a little area in the middle of us in bed for you to sleep on. Your Dad and I scooted as far to the edges of the bed as we could to make sure you had enough room, but quickly I began to realize that I needed to hold you at night too. From then on, you’ve slept in the crook of my arm, with my other arm around the bottoms of your feet. This way I can sense you stirring and needing to nurse and I can feel your little baby breath in my face. That first night, you woke up several times, and at one point you woke up and began to stare at me. We stared at each other and studied each other’s face. I felt connected to something so big and important looking into your eyes. Then I started to worry about you…I didn’t want to go back to sleep even though you had drifted off. The thought that something might happen to you or that you might experience pain, that night or at anytime in your life, scared me more than anything before. I began to realize that it will be a lifelong challenge to keep my worry about you at bay. I will do my best to keep that from hindering your experiences…I want you to fully experience life.

Letters to Joseph-September...The First Moments of Your Life

The first thing I noticed about you was how confidently you began to nurse. Here you are, seconds old, and you latch right on to me as if you’ve done it a thousand times. I knew that we would be fine because you clearly already had the nursing skills, it was just a matter of you teaching me how. I held your little body, with your buttery skin, and I just couldn’t wait to get you and your Dad alone so we could look at every little aspect of you. You had the chubbiest cheeks I’ve ever seen when you were born, they are a little more reasonable now, but we all commented on how much you looked like your Dad when he was born, the minute you were born. You have the softest skin and hair ever. You smelled so good to me and I held you and held you.

Nursing you is one of the best things ever. You are such a good eater and the minute you begin to nurse, we both relax and melt into the moment. One of my favorite things is when you hold my side with your little hand that is on the downward side. It feels like you are supporting me or escorting me to the dance floor. I feel your soft hand and we are connected even more. Sometimes when you fall asleep immediately after starting to nurse, I blow softly in your face to get you to keep suckling. Now, when you are sleeping, we blow in your face and your little lower lip and jaw start moving as if you are dreaming about nursing. I hope that when you feel the wind on your face, you associate it with the contentment of being nourished and that you have everything you need.

We also noticed your strong back and long long fingers and toes. One of the first things your Grandpa Steve said was that you have the fingers of a musician. There are a lot of musicians in your family, with the exception of me, at least at this point in my life, but you’ll have lots of teachers if you decide to play an instrument.

Though you look like your Dad so much right now, (I have the narcissistic and slightly selfish hope that some of my features will come out eventually), you do have one truly Keene trait and that is the notch in your ear that we all have. That’s another thing that Grandpa Steve noticed.

After everyone left, we napped and stared at you in our sun drenched room. It was so unbelievable to us that you were here with us, that we had created you, and that we could love something so fast and so deeply. I must admit that I immediately felt so protective over you in those first days, that it was almost uncomfortable. Any little sniffle or sneeze from you and I would feel like the world was collapsing. I remember calling my Mom and asking her if she felt like I did when I was first born. I asked her if the feeling of loving you so much that it hurt would subside over time. Of course I’ll always love you, and we are talking about the most incredible kind of love ever, but I hope it doesn’t hurt like it did in the beginning, because I might go crazy if it did.

Letters to Joseph

During this first few weeks of Joseph's life, I started to realize that I had better start keeping a journal or some of the gems of his baby-hood might not get related to him. I decided that I would create this journal in the form of letters to Joseph so that he can read them whenever he wants and know a little bit about how special and magical this time was. The following entries are those letters to Joseph.

September 2006
Dearest Joseph…
I began to realize in the days after you were born that you were going to bloom and evolve so quickly, that I had better start keeping a journal, or some of the details of your growing up might get lost. I remember asking my Mom about things that I did when I was little, and loving to hear her stories about my ‘firsts’. Even now, particularly as I’m learning how to take care of you, I’m asking her questions about how she comforted me, when I first smiled, etc…in order to understand you better. I hope that when you read this someday, you will know how much I love you and love every second of raising you. Even as we are just beginning this journey together, I am so excited, and yes a little daunted, at the prospect of helping you to become who you are meant to be…really to help you along the way to becoming who you want to be and to know yourself, since that is so very important in being happy.

Joseph Sports his Knit Gear on the Ferry Boat

Joseph is so lucky to have so many talented and generous people in his life! His wonderful sweater that he wears almost every day was knitted just especially for him by our dear Heather. We call it his Heather Feather Sweater. His sporty little multi-colored hat was created by lovely Jamie...long time family friend. His kewl sling was given to him by his Uncle Chris and Camille...and by the way, what you can't see in this picture, but what you will see in one of his upcoming posts, is the Mean Eyed Cat onesie that Camille MADE for him out of a baby doll tee...SO nice!

Joseph Goes Sailing in His Very Cute Sweater

Here we are...sailing on Chris and Emily's wooden sailing boat! We always feel so 'Kennedy' when we go out with them...beautiful boat, good food and friends. Joseph loved the wind and the water...he's the next Costeau we think.

Announcing the Birth of Joseph Ladd Marsh!

September 14^th, 2006
7:05 am
Weighing 9 lbs. 2 oz. and 22 inches long!

Here is the birth story!...not for the faint of heart or those who aren't interested in long birth stories :)

At my prenatal appointment at Week 39, my elevated blood pressure continued to loom as a problem and it was beginning to look likely that we would be having our baby at Group Health as opposed to Home. At this point I was desperate to make a difference in my blood pressure since I wanted to be at Home so badly and decided to go to several days in a row of acupuncture to both work on getting my blood pressure down, as well as induce labor since it was beginning to look like a ‘race’ between baby and blood pressure.

With the Wednesday, September 13^th due date, I went to acupuncture on the Wednesday, Thursday, and Monday before. I started having ‘bloody show’ after the first appointment. Just after my last acupuncture appointment, I went in to see Suzy, our midwife and also the midwife present for the birth of my younger brother Asa some 30 years ago AND Asa’s son Henry last year. She took my blood pressure…SIGNIFICANTLY lower! She felt strongly that if I had pre-eclampsia, my blood pressure wouldn’t have responded so dramatically to acupuncture. So with the ‘race’ in mind, we decided to ‘sweep the membranes’ of the bag of waters which involves inserting a finger into the cervix (if it’s dilated enough which mine was at that point) and separating the bag of waters from the cervix. We did the same thing again the next day, Tuesday, September 12^th.

At about 10 o’clock that Tuesday evening, I started feeling contractions. Frankly, at first, it almost felt like gas pains, but they became more regular (30 mins, then 20 mins, then 10 mins apart) and continued throughout that night. I realized that I should be getting sleep at this point, but the contractions were strong enough to wake me up and I was getting so excited that the labor was beginning, that I slept almost not at all. At 4 am, I realized that I was going to get exhausted if I didn’t get some sleep, so, remembering a birth story from a woman in my prenatal yoga class, I got in the tub and drank a glass of wine to try to slow things down so I could rest. That was a fun memory…sitting in the tub at dawn, candles lit, drinking guilt-free wine and anticipating the birth of our child.

I ended up getting a couple of hours of sleep after that, got up at about 8 am, and called my Mom and left a message for Suzy that early labor had begun, but of course, no rush at that point. She called back and we decided that she would come by that evening to check on me. So, that left me with the day to breathe through the contractions about every 10 minutes, totally manageable, and to hang out with my husband Clay, my Mom, my friend Dana, and eventually my whole family showed up too. We watched a movie, I took more baths, and tried to conserve energy.

The midwives, Suzy, Kate, and Kristin came by at about 7:30 that evening and my contractions had progressed to about every 4 mins. I think though, that I appeared too clear headed and aware to constitute being in active labor or ‘labor land’ as they were calling it. So they decided to sit down to dinner with my family while Clay and I sat in our bedroom together, breathing through the contractions and getting some alone time. After an hour, they checked my cervix and I was at about 3 cm dilated (I can’t remember the cervix position or effacement at that point). I remember Suzy asking me how I was feeling. I told her that I was beginning to feel scared for what was ahead. This had been so long in coming for us (Clay and I had been through several miscarriages before we conceived this baby) that is almost didn’t feel real, even though I was in the throws of labor. I admitted that I was afraid for the baby and that I just wanted to hold it in my arms. Suzy complemented me on being so clear with my thoughts (her complements are powerful things, as they plant seeds of confidence in me, time and time again). She assured me that I would be holding our baby very soon. They decided that they would leave and come back when things got more intense. But as they were leaving, I started having a series of really intense contractions that didn’t seem to have breaks in between, so they decided to stay. I remember laboring on our bed on my back, with all of the incredible women in my life and strong, sweet, supportive Clay surrounding me.

We had created an atmosphere of relaxation and sublime energy in the room with candles and great music. Though the pain was intense, there were people on all sides of me, holding my hands, rubbing my feet or my leg. It was truly that I was enveloped with love. I started using rhythmic breathing and moaning and found that it helped SO much. I was surprised to find though, that where I thought I would find one kind of moan or chant that would take me through the whole labor, I needed to adjust my rhythm and sounds depending on the different feeling contractions. ‘Mmmmma, Mmmmma, Mmmmma’, ‘Oooooh, ooooooh, ooooh’, and ‘I surrender, I surrender’ were a few of the favorites. Later, when things got really hard, I even found that rhythmically pounding on something, my leg, the walls of the shower, etc. was an important way to cope.

In retrospect, I think the exam that I had been given pushed me into more intense contractions, because after about an hour, they started to slow down, MUCH to my chagrin. I didn’t want the break, I wanted everything to keep progressing…I wanted to get to the pushing! Looking back, I think I requested a few too many exams to determine my progress, in some cases it was encouraging, but I asked to be checked at about 10:30 and I was only at 4 cm dilated. I KNOW, I KNOW, all centimeters are not created equal, but I was discouraged that I had only progressed 1 cm in all that time. This is when I started to get very very determined, and a little pissed off.

I asked what I could do to get this going faster and they suggested nipple stimulation and walking. So, that is what I did. The walking, pacing really, intensified everything and my contractions were coming about every 2 mins and lasted a min. I used the lunge a lot during this time, lunging on the dining room chairs. Unfortunately, this is when the back pain also started. I put on my ice pack and Clay massaged my back both of which helped, but it was very intense and somewhat discouraging. I think this went on for about 3 hours, but I was getting pretty unaware of what was going on. I was shifting from wanting to be touched and encouraged, to not wanting to be touched at all. I also labored on top of an exercise ball for a while. At this point I was getting really tired and discouraged and Clay had to really pull me back from feeling so defeated. He told me that I was doing an amazing job and that I was handling this with so much strength and courage. It gave me strength to go on though I felt like it was never going to end.

Suzy suggested at this point that they check me. I was resistant at this point because I felt I couldn’t handle the disappointment if I hadn’t progressed enough. But when they checked, I was 8 cms and fully effaced with a bulging bag of waters. They suggested that it might be a good time to break the water bag. I was so willing to get to the pushing at this point, that I agreed and when they broke it, it really kicked labor into a new place. I stood naked in my room, with my many birth support people around me, laboring through back pain and contractions. At one point I’m told that I put my hands on my hips, stood in the middle of my room and stated, ‘This is OUTRAGEOUS!’. I remember thinking, ‘why didn’t anyone TELL me it would be like this?’…of course, no one can tell you what it is going to be like, and part of the reason why, is that you really do not have a ‘memory’ for pain. A few days after the labor, I can’t remember REALLY what it felt like. Though it is painful, we all know intellectually that it is, nothing compares to this work, it is the work of women, and I do think it prepares you in some way for motherhood…a rite of passage like no other. My friends and family told me that I labored like a warrior…what a complement to receive. A warrior is courageous, powerful, determined, and strong, and though I didn’t always feel that way at the time, I like to think back and know that I was those things.

I lost track of time and space at this point…I have no idea how much time elapsed between being at 8cms and the breaking of the waters and when I asked to be checked again (there’s my analytic side wanting to be checked). I think they were hesitant to check me, but when they did, I was still at 8 cms…’SHIT!’ is what I said. I just wanted to push! A few more contractions later, Suzy told me that I might soon begin to feel the urge to push. Though I was discouraged that I was only at 8 cms, I felt heartened by these words, and soon I asked, ‘Can I start pushing now?’ ‘If you feel like it, go ahead’ was the response. I still don’t know if I was actually at 10 cms or if I pushed through the rest of the dilation, but I started to push. It felt SO much better than contractions! Of course I was still having contractions to push with, but the action of pushing shifted the focus so much. I went for broke. I pushed with all my heart and strength. Then I felt like I was pooping. I think, in fact, I was pooping. So I labored on the toilet for a bit. I think I was making such fast progress, that Kate came in and wanted me to go back to the bed. I pushed and pushed and I reached down and felt the head, still a finger knuckle’s length inside me. I knew I was doing great. ‘Rim of Fire’?…I literally said’ BRING IT ON’. I pushed through that and the head was out. I thought that I might have a moment to breathe after the head was born, but the baby had twisted around down the birth canal (after being ‘sunny side up’, hence the intense back pain we think), and the midwives wanted the body out fast, so they asked me to push hard right away and the body came out, apparently the shoulder was ‘sticky’ or just slightly hung up on my pelvic bone. I had pushed this baby out in 40 minutes. It seemed more like 10 or 20 minutes to me.

They put my baby up on my chest immediately. I couldn’t believe that this little body was out and here with us. I remember saying ‘what is it?’ …’It’s a boy isn’t it? And indeed, it is a boy! I held him to my chest and Clay was close to us, just gasping at how beautiful the whole thing was.

As this was happening, and the reason why the midwives were focused elsewhere, was that I was bleeding rather a lot. Apparently, the placenta was huge, to support this 9lb 2 oz. baby, and as it separated from the uterus, it left a large wound. The midwives were quick and I was given two pitocin shots and some pills to make my uterus contract. This worked well and I birthed the placenta quickly. I’d torn a bit when the body came out, so I had to have a few stitches, which haven’t ever really hurt and have healed well.

Joseph Ladd was in the world, bursting on the scene at 7:05 am on Thursday, September 14th, and filling us with awe, gratitude, an ineffable love. I can’t believe our good fortune at the opportunity to have our baby at Home. The comfort and love that was present was invaluable and I always felt perfectly safe and cared for completely.

We wanted to wait until we had some time alone with our new baby before naming him. We had several choices picked out...all really lovely names. The morning after our first night with him...we all woke up together in a sun-drenched room. We stayed in bed snuggling and Clay looked over at me and said...I think he's Joseph Ladd. I smiled and agreed, feeling a warmth over the realization. I called my darling friend Allison in New York and told her first...I wish she could have been with me during this time, so I wanted to tell her his name before anyone.

Thirty years ago, when my brother Asa was born, I wanted them to name him Joseph. I was in pre-school at the time at Sun Bow School. There was a boy there who I thought was very nice. I remember that he was very polite and kind, qualities not often found in a 4 year old boy. I hoped my new brother would be like him. As it turned out, I was allowed to choose my new brother's middle name, hence, Asa Joseph. Later, my dog became Seamus Joseph. Something about the strong simplicity of it sounds like music to me. I have no idea where the original Joseph in my life ended up, but this name has threaded its way through my life so strongly, that I shouldn't be surprised that my son is Joseph.